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This is an excerpt from the FineDay Founder’s autobiography with additional information
Helping people to be aware, especially of their thoughts and feelings was my second interest during my time in 70’s, while I was a volunteer therapist at the Berkeley Radical Psychiatry Center. One secondary focus of the center was to help people become more aware of what they were feeling with bioenergetics, a therapy derived from the work of German psychiatrist Wilhelm Reich. Reich believed that repressed emotions (especially trauma, fear, and anger) create chronic muscle tension, forming a “character armor” that restricts energy flow.
However, the main focus of the center was the founder Dr. Claude Steiner’s work as collaborator with Canadian psychiatrist Eric Berne. Dr. Berne popularized the concept that people have an “inner child.” He and Steiner put the inner child in a framework of three ego states: Parent, Adult, Child. Berne and Steiner emphasized the importance of being aware of what state each participant was in when interacting with another human.
The analysis of the transactions (communication) between people in terms of their ego states was considered so crucial in understanding harmful misunderstandings that it became a branch of psychology called Transactional Analysis (TA.) Here are some examples of crossed transaction problems:
1. Critical Parent ↔ Rebellious Child
Scenario: A manager (Critical Parent) says, “You never meet deadlines! What’s wrong with you?”
Response: Employee (Rebellious Child) snaps back, “Maybe if you weren’t so controlling, I’d work faster!”
Harm: Escalates conflict instead of solving the problem.
2. Nurturing Parent ↔ Adaptive Child
Scenario: A partner (Nurturing Parent) says, “Let me handle this; you always struggle with it.”
Response: The other partner (Adaptive Child) silently agrees but feels incompetent.
Harm: Reinforces dependency and undermines confidence.
3. Critical Parent ↔ Adult
Scenario: Parent (Critical Parent) says, “You’ll never succeed with that attitude.”
Response: Teen (Adult) replies calmly, “I’ve researched my options and have a plan.”
Harm: The parent’s judgment blocks meaningful discussion.
4. Critical Parent ↔ Critical Parent
Scenario: Parent 1 (Critical Parent): “You spoil the kids too much!”
Response: Parent 2 (Critical Parent): “No, you’re too harsh!”
Harm: Power struggle with no resolution—kids caught in the middle.
One practice we found very useful in dealing with relationships was for both people to agree to hear the other’s possibly crazy-sounding concerns without judgement. We called it checking out paranoid fantasies. It helped even when dealing with people unaware of the concept. For example, I did some work for someone I admired. I thought we would continue to work together and become friends. But after a period of no response to my attempts to reach out, I began to think I might have done something to anger the person. So I got up the courage to ask them if they were angry at me. They were honestly surprised and assured me that the problem was not me, but their overwhelmingly busy schedule (which I witnessed after we did indeed become friends and colleagues.)
Had I not checked out my “paranoid fantasy” I might have felt very hurt or even resentful. In that case, I might have fallen into the victim or persecutor role in what I believe is the most useful concept in Transactional Analysis. Since I think you may find it as important as I do, I want to take the time to explain psychiatrist Stephen Karphen’s “Drama Triangle.” (Since we called it the “Rescue Triangle,” I’ll stick with the name most familiar to me.) The Rescue Triangle is a dysfunctional social interaction involving three roles: Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor. I’ve added to the model the concept of true and toxic versions of the rescuer and victim roles. For example, a True Victim would be someone who is actually being persecuted, while the toxic version is someone who adapts a disproportionate “poor me” stance, acting helpless, when they are not actually powerless.
A Toxic Rescuer is someone who steps in to “save” or “fix” a true or toxic victim’s problems, often without being asked. They position themselves as the helper or savior, driven by a need to feel needed or valuable. However, their rescuing often enables the victim’s helplessness and prevents them from taking responsibility. The Rescue Triangle interaction is considered a psychological “game” in the sense that the “players” can find themselves switching roles. For example, a Toxic Rescuer who feels unappreciated may switch to Persecutor (“I’ve done so much for you, and you’re so ungrateful!”), or a Toxic Victim may become a Persecutor by blaming the Rescuer for not helping enough. I’m sure you can imagine other examples of the Rescue Triangle, possibly in your own family or circle of friends.
Here are some general Strategies for Exiting the Rescue Triangle
- Cultivate Self-Awareness:
- Why: The Rescue Triangle thrives on unconscious patterns. Recognizing when you’re in a role (Victim, Rescuer, or Persecutor) is the first step to breaking the cycle.
- How: Reflect on your emotional triggers and behaviors in conflicts. Journal or ask yourself, “Am I feeling helpless, superior, or compelled to fix this?” Use mindfulness to notice when you’re slipping into a role.
- Example: If you catch yourself complaining repeatedly (Victim), pause and ask, “What can I control here?” This shifts you to an Adult ego state.
- Shift to Adult-to-Adult Communication:
- Why: The Rescue Triangle often involves Parent or Child ego states. Engaging from the Adult ego state—rational, objective, and present-focused—disrupts the game.
- How: Use “I” statements, focus on facts, and avoid blaming or emotional manipulation. For example, instead of “You always ruin everything!” (Persecutor), say, “I feel frustrated when this happens. Can we discuss a solution?”
- Example: In a team meeting, instead of rescuing a colleague by taking over their work, ask, “What support do you need to complete this task?”
- Set and Respect Boundaries:
- Why: Boundaries prevent enabling (Rescuer), blaming (Persecutor), or dependency (Victim), fostering healthier dynamics.
- How: Clearly define your limits and respect others’ autonomy. Say “no” when appropriate, and avoid taking responsibility for others’ problems.
- Example: If a friend asks for repeated help (Victim), say, “I believe you can handle this, but I’m happy to brainstorm solutions with you.”
- Take Responsibility for Your Feelings and Actions:
- Why: The Rescue Triangle avoids accountability by externalizing blame or solutions. Owning your emotions and choices empowers you to exit the roles.
- How: Acknowledge your feelings without blaming others. For example, instead of “They make me so angry!” (Victim), say, “I’m feeling angry because of this situation, and I need to address it.”
- Example: If you’re tempted to criticize someone harshly (Persecutor), reflect on why you feel threatened and address your own needs first.
- Adopt the Winner’s Triangle:
- Why: The Winner’s Triangle (developed by Acey Choy) offers healthier alternatives: Victim becomes Vulnerable, Rescuer becomes Supporter, and Persecutor becomes Assertive.
- How:
- Vulnerable: Express needs authentically without self-pity. Example: “I’m struggling with this task and could use advice.”
- Supporter: Offer help without taking over. Example: “I’m here if you need to talk, but I trust you to make the best decision.”
- Assertive: State needs or boundaries firmly without blaming. Example: “I need this project completed by Friday to meet our deadline.”
- Example: In a family conflict, instead of playing Victim (“No one listens to me”), be Vulnerable (“I feel unheard and want to share my perspective”).
- Practice Active Listening:
- Why: Listening without judgment or an agenda prevents slipping into Rescuer or Persecutor roles and validates others without enabling Victimhood.
- How: Reflect back what you hear and ask clarifying questions. Example: “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed. What’s the biggest challenge right now?”
- Example: When a coworker vents (Victim), instead of fixing their problem (Rescuer), listen and ask, “What do you think your next step could be?”
- Reframe Conflict as a Collaborative Opportunity:
- Why: The Rescue Triangle thrives on power struggles. Viewing conflict as a chance to solve problems together disrupts the cycle.
- How: Invite others to brainstorm solutions and focus on mutual goals. Use phrases like, “Let’s figure this out together.”
- Example: In a team dispute, instead of blaming (Persecutor), say, “I see we’re stuck. What can we do to move forward?”
Role-Specific Strategies
Exiting the Victim Role
- Acknowledge Your Power:
- Why: Victims feel powerless, but recognizing your agency empowers you to act.
- How: Identify one small action you can take to address the situation. Example: Instead of saying, “I can’t do this,” list specific steps you can manage.
- Example: If overwhelmed at work, instead of complaining, break tasks into manageable parts and ask for specific support.
- Express Needs Directly:
- Why: Victims indirectly seek help through complaints. Direct communication invites support without manipulation.
- How: Use clear, assertive requests. Example: Instead of “No one helps me,” say, “I need help with this report by tomorrow.”
- Example: In a relationship, instead of sulking (Victim), say, “I’d like us to spend more time together this weekend.”
- Challenge Negative Self-Talk:
- Why: Victims reinforce helplessness with self-defeating thoughts.
- How: Replace thoughts like “I’m a failure” with “I’m learning and can improve.” Seek evidence of past successes.
- Example: If you feel stuck on a project, remind yourself of a time you overcame a similar challenge and take one step forward.
Exiting the Rescuer Role
- Respect Others’ Autonomy:
- Why: Rescuers undermine others’ ability to grow by taking over their problems.
- How: Offer support without solving the problem. Ask, “What do you need right now?” instead of assuming responsibility.
- Example: If a friend is upset, listen and say, “I’m here for you. What would help?” instead of offering unsolicited solutions.
- Focus on Your Own Needs:
- Why: Rescuers often neglect themselves, leading to resentment or burnout.
- How: Prioritize self-care and set limits. Example: If you’re overcommitted, say, “I can’t take this on right now, but I’ll check in later.”
- Example: Decline a colleague’s request to finish their work, suggesting they seek help from the team instead.
- Avoid Enabling:
- Why: Rescuing reinforces Victim dependency, perpetuating the triangle.
- How: Encourage others to take responsibility. Example: Instead of doing a task for someone, coach them through it.
- Example: If a child always forgets homework, guide them to create a checklist rather than doing it for them.
Exiting the Persecutor Role
- Replace Blame with Constructive Feedback:
- Why: Persecutors alienate others by focusing on faults rather than solutions.
- How: Use “I” statements and focus on behavior, not character. Example: Instead of “You’re lazy,” say, “I noticed the report wasn’t submitted. Can we discuss what happened?”
- Example: In a team setting, instead of criticizing a delay, say, “Let’s identify what’s slowing us down and how we can address it.”
- Examine Your Triggers:
- Why: Persecutors often act out of fear, insecurity, or a need for control.
- How: Reflect on why you feel the need to criticize or control. Address your own emotions before reacting. Example: If angry, pause and ask, “What’s driving this reaction?”
- Example: If you’re tempted to snap at a partner, take a moment to identify your frustration (e.g., feeling unappreciated) and express it calmly.
Practical Tips for Sustained Change
- Seek Feedback: Ask trusted friends or colleagues to point out when you slip into Rescue Triangle roles. This external perspective aids self-awareness.
- Role-Play Alternatives: Practice responding differently in low-stakes situations to build confidence in Adult-to-Adult communication.
- Therapy or Coaching: Work with a TA-trained therapist to uncover unconscious scripts driving your role-playing and develop healthier patterns.
- Pause and Reflect: In heated moments, take a brief pause to assess your ego state and choose a response aligned with the Winner’s Triangle.
- Learn from Successes: After exiting a Rescue Triangle interaction successfully, note what worked and reinforce it in future situations.
Example Application
Scenario: A coworker (Victim) complains, “I’m drowning in work!” You’re tempted to take over their tasks (Rescuer) or criticize their time management (Persecutor).
- Strategy: Shift to Adult-to-Adult and Supporter role. Say, “That sounds tough. What’s the biggest challenge, and how can I support you in managing it?”
- Outcome: The coworker feels heard, is encouraged to take responsibility, and you avoid enabling or blaming, fostering collaboration.
By applying these strategies, you can break free from the Rescue Triangle’s dysfunctional cycle, replacing it with authentic, empowering interactions.
If you have any feedback about this subject, or have better examples of crossed transaction or Rescue Triangles, please let us know the Contact form. Thanks!